Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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