He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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