There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
