Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
