ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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