i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He felt like a one man threesome
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
