i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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