ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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