got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
