I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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