i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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