i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
