i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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