The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
