my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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