There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
