Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
