my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
