I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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