At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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