I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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