So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
