apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
