Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
