just tell him i said nine months
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
