Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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