just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
