Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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