they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
