if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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