R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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