I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
