im about as happy as oj after his trial
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
