dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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