On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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