the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?