i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
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He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
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Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.