my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor