I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.