if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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