if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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