Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
