cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
