chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
