Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
