This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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