Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
