he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
