I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
