She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
