the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
