I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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