Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize