his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
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Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
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Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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