I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
