I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i already hear my dad disowning me
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
