I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
