she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
