I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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