Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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