I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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