I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I intend to get homeless drunk
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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