This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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