I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
