I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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