You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
