Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
