does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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