Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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