well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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